That Moment

When was your moment that it clicked for you that Heavenly Father was real? For me it was during a panic attack.

I have always had anxiety and depression plague me growing up. I have been working with doctors the past two years that finally listened and got a diagnosis of PCOS and Hoshimoto’s. They have been amazing and have helped me in so many ways with my mental health. Even with it improving there are defense mechanisms that I’ve built up for years that are hard to kick.

Nail biting, staying quiet, appetite disappears, and my body just shuts down. I want to keep the peace and not make anyone mad.

All that being said, I’ve made an awesome friend over the past 2ish years and I’ve told him I’m really trying hard to break free of these habits. When it comes to politics and religions those are areas I’ve always shut down over and just let people talk.

My friend does not like Trump and his policies. He’s not a stanch liberal just really doesn’t like Trump. I don’t have issues with anyone not liking him, everyone has the right to their opinions and stances. I will state I am a Trump supporter. Voted for him and I love how he’s improving the country. Is he perfect, no but i prefer him over what we were given and have had for years.

Back to the story. Me and my friend got in a debate one night. I was speaking up on my views and I was so scared, I had just lost a very close friend over my views and I was scared I’d lose another but something in me pushed me to talk. We did not agree on a lot but he was so extremely patient and kept reminding me he wanted to hear my view and opinions. It stayed very civil and respectful. At the end of our talk we were still good friends, I knew he didn’t hate me and I didn’t hate him. That was something I was not prepared for so I started to panic. Heart racing, thoughts going a mile a minute, stomach started to hurt with nausea, and my breath became erratic.

I did every defense mechanism I had. Turned on YouTube very loud and on something I could shut my brain off to, Nope didn’t work. Blasted K-pop, nope. Then I started talking out loud, like my therapist said may help, Nope. I felt awful and trapped. I started crying cause I was in pain, tired and really wanted to sleep.

At this point in time I was a bit into my bible journey and have had some very awkward prayers, but prayers nonetheless. I then thought after doing all this, it wouldn’t hurt to try. So I closed my eyes and said “Lord, I need you so much right now. You know I’m safe, I know I’m safe but I can’t calm down. I’m in so much pain and I’m so tired. Please help me in any way you see fit. Amen.”

The second I said Amen my breathing immediately calmed and my mind went completely blank. Calmness hit me and after a couple second of steady breathing my stomach ache and nausea eased completely. I was able to sink into my bed, every tense muscle fully released and I could enjoy the dim lighting I had set up. After I felt so completely relaxed I realized what happened and thanked the LORD so much. I couldn’t stop smiling.

I know this may not seem like such a grave moment that i had this huge “ah-ha” moment but for me it was. An “ah-ha” moment is a moment no matter how small.

This was a couple weeks ago, we are still friends, and that panic id get is fading. I feel my confidence coming in. I’m still not a fan of discussing politics with people but if people so badly want to know my take on things. I am able to read the room better and if it’s safe to talk I talk. GOD has pushed me so hard to use my voice, even if I am a stuttering, muttering mess, I will be able to speak with power and strength one day but it requires me using said voice.

I’m extremely curious now. What’s been your “ah-ha” moment? Be as detailed as you want.