“GOD is a big boy, he can handle you being mad at him” those were the words my friend had said to me when I lost my uncle. I was so unbelievably angry and repeating “Why would GOD do this?!” “Why take him?”

What she said helped me in that moment so I ran with it. I have always believed in GOD but I questioned so much. “Is GOD a pervert since he’s everywhere so he watches me shower” “If HE made everyone perfect why does my brain not make as much serotonin as someone neurotypical” “Why did he make life so hard?” The questions would keep spiraling. Why this, why that. I convinced myself that if he can handle my frustration with him then I am really going to tell him how I feel about him.

My frustration and coarse words towards GOD had built up for years. But when I lost my uncle to ALS it had reached its peak. When I felt like my anger couldn’t get worse my best friend of 10+ years decided to walk away when she heard a small tidbit of my political beliefs. In nicer terms, I was really not being nice to GOD. Was really through my middle finger to him.

A week or so after losing my friend I decided to randomly go to our local Christian Book Store. No reason, no plan. Just drove by it and felt like I had to go in. I saw a section for pretty bibles and picked one with large print. I delved into accessories, highlighters, sticky notes and a bible bag to really make it my own. Always been a huge fan of stationary, that was the best part of school. That night I opened my Bible.

Mixed emotions hit me.

I’m doing this!

Oh ok it’s big on metaphors

Uh…this is a lot

I’ve only been reading for 4 minutes?!

Yep only read for 4 minutes on my first night reading my Bible. I was so frustrated at myself. Doesn’t everyone feel pulled to the Bible once they start reading?

Next night I read 6 minutes. Then 10 minutes the night after. My interest started building and I didn’t really notice. By the end of my first week of reading I had the desire to read every night not even caring how long I’d read.

As I am writing this and thinking back I can see that GOD was being so patient. He saw my little kindling of wanting to hear his word and he was so excited. I don’t know about anyone else but I view GOD as understanding, fun, accountable, and a little bit sassy. But I also see him very badass and will go to war when needed. Maybe that me projecting, only GOD knows.

This is just the very beginning of all the epiphanies I’ve had, questions I’ve asked and emotions that I’ve had to face.

If you’ve made it this far I am very grateful and would love to hear from you. Tell me your story of your first bible, if you struggle as well in faith. Oh! Tell me how you see GOD.

Again thank you for reading, hope to see you in my next post!!